As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

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I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

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I hate being dyslexic, especially at Christmas. I've had so many punches and slaps because I often get 'Cameltoe' and Mistletoe' mixed up. But you try explaining that to a judge.

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How does a chav turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

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You're old if you remember seeing this as the top Joke for many years.... Statistically 9 out 10 people enjoy gang rape.

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I'm just a sensitive lover unlearning trauma. A S.L.U.T. if you will.

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How do you get a gay man to shag your girlfriend? Shit in her cunt.

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If going into space for 3 minutes makes you an astronaut, then I'm a gynaecologist

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One Saturday, I got up early to go fishing but heavy rain and wind forced me to cancel. I quietly undressed and slipped back into bed, cuddling up to my wife. "Terrible weather out there," I whispered. Without turning around she replied, "Can you believe my idiot husband went out fishing in this?"

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