Never thought I'd see anything more ironic than a guy in a wheelchair eating a bag of Walkers. Then I saw a black guy drinking a bottle of Innocent.

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As we left the restaurant, she kissed me and said, "We should have dinner again." "I don't think so," I replied, "I'm full."

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Probably the sickest joke I ever wrote. Abdul my next door neighbour came round crying and distraught, "My baby girl has died in her cot in the night he cried. " "Oh dear, " I said trying not to laugh, "never mind Abdul, just think of her as another virgin in paradise now for your brave soldiers. "

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A woman on a dating site sent me a message saying, "Wow, your absolutely gorgeous. How come your still single?" It's spelled "you're", I replied.

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As I answered the front door dressed in high heals, stockings & suspenders, leather mini skirt and bright red lipstick, the Avon lady asked "Hello Sir, is your wife at home"?. To which I replied "Take a wild guess love!"

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I took my son to see Santa today, but as soon as he sat on his knee he started crying. "What's wrong?" I asked. "It's this job mate, I fucking hate it"

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I saw a woman in Tesco struggling to control her kids. She looked really stressed. Then she accidently knocked over and smashed a bottle of milk. She dropped to her knees and burst into tears, surrounded by spilled milk. It reminded me of something my dad used to say to my mum, so I walked over to her and said; "Get a fucking grip, you stupid cow."

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What's better than winning gold in the Special Olympics? The taste of the windows inside the Sunshine Variety Coach that took you there! p.s. Why are they called 'Variety Coaches' when all the kids inside look the same?

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Did you know that white people own more dogs than black people. That's because it's illegal to own black people now.

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chatting to a young girl in the pub last night i said to her " so what do they call you then?"....she replied " vivaldi", so i said " is that after the great composer?".... she said, " no, its because my name is viv and i work at Aldi"...

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I was telling a mate how i recentley met this woman. i told him "She's like a real fox.", "is it because she's really hot" he asked.." no" said me, " its because she's hairy and eats out of bins"....

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My mates all say I’m a bit of a pub scarecrow. I stand in the corner and frighten all the birds.

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I phoned the Child Abuse Hotline. A kid answered, called me a cunt and told me to fuck off.

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My new girlfriend said I should buy her some flowers. I said why spend money on something that's going to be dead in a few days?

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Abdul at work was proper upset, "What's up mate?" I asked him. "It's my wife, " he said, "we had a serious row last night, she proper spit the dummy. " "Oh dear, " I replied, "never mind, I'm sure you can pop by Mothercare on your way home and pick her a new one up. "

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An Amazon driver asked me the time...I said it's between 9am and 8pm

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My girlfriend dumped me, so I stole her wheelchair. Guess who came crawling back?

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Q: What do you get a pregnant teen for Christmas? A: A coat hanger.

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A man and a woman who had never met before found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a Trans-continental train. Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, they were both very tired and fell asleep quickly: him in the upper bunk and her in the lower. At 1:00 AM the man leaned down and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold." "I have a better idea," she replied. "Just for tonight, let's pretend we're married." "Wow! That's a great idea!" he exclaimed. "Good," she replied. "Get your own fucking blanket.

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A man walks into a barber shop and looks at the barber. He says, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around his shop and then says, “Three hours.” The man says okay and then leaves. Three hours go by and he doesn’t come back. A few days later the man is back at the barber shop. He asks, “How long until I can get a hair cut?” The barber looks around and says, “About two and a half hours.” The man nods and then leaves and he doesn’t come back. The man does this for a while. One day he comes in again and asks, “How long until I can get a haircut?” The barber, a bit hesitant, says “About an hour, you can chill here if you want.” The man shakes his head and says, “It’s okay. I’ll be back,” and he leaves. The barber looks at one of his friends and says, “Follow that guy. I wanna know what he’s doing.” The friend nods and follows the stranger. When the friend gets back he’s laughing. The barber says, “Where did he go?” The friend says, “To your house.”

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A woman walks up to the bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre. So he gives it to her.

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What do they sing at woke Christmas parties? We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, We wish that you hadn't said that, And we know where you live! 🎅🎄❄️☃️🎁🦌

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Old? Alone this Christmas? That's society's way of tellng you you're a cunt.

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I often read a joke and think, "What a cunt. That's not funny." Then I press "Submit."

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Think about how stupid the average person is. Then realise that half the world is even more stupid. (George Carlin)

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An alien walks into a bar. He's 9 foot tall, bright green, silver suit, 28 tentacles, the whole shebang. Everyone's stunned into silence, however the landlord who's used to keeping his cool says, "Welcome stranger. Would you like a pint of bitter?" "No thank you," says the alien "I'm into Stella."

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Exotic foods: English - Pot Noodle. Cambodian - Pol Pot Noodle. Korean - Dog Noodle. Scottish - Och aye The Noo-dle.

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"Oh dear, he's missed the blue after avoiding brown and dropped the green. " I said. "I didn't know snooker was still on, I thought it had finished, " replied my wife. "It has, " I answered, "I'm watching the council bin man. "

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All 7 dwarfs were on a bus feeling grumpy. So Grumpy got off.

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I came home from work and found my girlfriend dressed in a cute little police uniform. She said, “YOU’RE UNDER ARREST ON A CHARGE OF BEING AMAZING IN BED!!!” Two minutes later she had to drop the charges due to lack of evidence.

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A scouse couple was on their first date, decided to go to a vegan restaurant. Looking at the menu, the man asks; "Eh love do you like avacado?" Women replies: "No, I haven't even passed me driving test"

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According to my chocolate advent calendar, it's two days until Christmas

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This Christmas tree I bought is terrible. I haven't seen this many needles on the ground since I walked past Ibrox.

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I must look really sexy in my new convertible BMW. Loads of other motorists have signalled that they plan on having a wank later.

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Easily stop your wife from sucking her thumb by drawing a cock on it.

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My wife found out I’d replaced our bed with a trampoline. She hit the roof.

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I thought opening a door for a lady was good manners, but she just screamed and flew out of the plane

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I got a hand job from a blind woman once. She told me, "This is the biggest dick I've ever come across." I said, "You're pulling my leg."

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The cops have just left. They said if I want to walk around my house naked, I have to do it inside.

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For Christmas this year my son wants Transformers and my daughter wants a jigsaw. Luckily I can get them both at B&Q and the parking is free.

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I was at the currency exchange today waiting in line. There was just one lady in front of me, an Asian lady, who was trying to exchange yen for sterling. It was obvious she was a little irritated. She asked the teller, "Why it change? Yesterday, I get two hunat poun of yen. Today I only get hunat eighty? Why it change?" The teller shrugged his shoulders and said, "Fluctuations." The Asian lady relied, "Fluc you white people too!"

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Remember - 72.6% of all statistics are made up on spot. The other 33.8% contain some type of basic mathematical error. 51% of the time, it works every time!

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From today ,all under 16's in Australia must use vpn's

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How does a chav turn the light on after sex? Opens the car door.

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So i've decked the halls as the song suggested. Though Mr & Mrs Hall don't share my joy.

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Waiter: "What would sir like to drink?" Guy: "Oh what non alcoholic beers are there?" Waiter: "Would you like crayons and a colouring book with that?"

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I rang the paranoia society this morning. The girl at the other end said How did you get this number?

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Statistically 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy

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Spare a thought for all the people who will be homeless this Christmas. Prince Andrew for example.

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Just got myself a second hand diver's watch. I'd have had the drowned cunt's scuba tanks too if they weren't so heavy.

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